Dumbag Writes… Family Planning


Dear Dastardly Smithers,

Do you know how many married Catholic couples artificially limit their family size? Loads! Sixty-three percent of Irish women are using artificial birth control. Seventy-eight percent of the country is Catholic.

That’s a lot of Catholics doing something, seriously wrong, although the Catholic Church states that contraception is “intrinsically evil,” (that means it is seriously wrong to use, each and every time regardless of the circumstances). They say so themselves in that abominable book called the Catechism. And yet I don’t think the ordinary person has any idea.

In Ireland, the parish sizes are dwindling not just because most people can’t be bothered to go to Mass anymore #airhighfive but also because Catholics aren’t responding to God’s call to be open to the life He sends them.

Luckily, the priests on the pulpits are typically quiet on this one. They like to be especially quiet when it comes address issues surrounding women’s rights and the whatnot. It’s as if the priests are unwilling to rock the boat on this issue; as if the earth is their eternal home, not looking heavenward for their parishioners or themselves. Do they not know it’s their job to get their congregation to heaven? But by their silence they are walking all those pretty clueless, well-meaning Catholics into hell.

I mean, what a waste of time, going to Mass week, in week out, thinking you’re doing the right stuff, only to find out when they die that their efforts were in vain because they’ve been living in mortal sin all this time? Isn’t it great?

And now, take the new issue of natural family planning, permitted by the Church, in certain circumstances being promoted as the Catholic answer to the pill, taught on marriage courses as the new norm for conservative Catholics.

But it’s the exception, not the rule. Pope Pius XII, the first Pope to address the issue in depth to a conference of Catholic midwives stated that it is only to be used for medical, eugenic, economic and social reasons. It says in that other awful Book, ‘go forth and multiply’. Ignorance and silence – a great team.

Smithers, I think you should have the afternoon off as there isn’t much work to be done around here anymore.

Yours, always disgracefully,